Completion and faliure

To start with a sad note, my short story entry for the Aesthetic Magasine Open Competition did not win the grand prize of £500. I feel reassured that a short story involving a murder by buffet may not be in keeping stylistically with their artistic goals and henceforth remove itself from the running with its content, but still - my first attempt and they don't even give me half a grand to keep me motivated. Anyway, I thought it was good, so I think I will get rid of the two-thousand word limit they forcibly imposed and expand it a bit for some other sinister purpose.

On a cheerier note, I have managed to finish Dead Space and Prison Break series one, the former after a couple of weeks solid play and the latter after about 9 months of sporadic watching. Both were pleasing, although I have heard Prison Break goes down the toilet (nudge nudge) after series one - if anyone knows any different please let me know.

I can't help notice that no-one has signed up as a 'Follower' as demonstrated by the lack of names/big fat zero on the left, therefore the first person who sign up and shows their dedication to my cause will get a glowing review of themselves on this very blog, full of interesting facts, comedy anecdotes and erotic imagery.

Also, Dead Space has now been replaced by Call Of Duty - World at War, follow up to Call of Duty - Modern Warfare, although this one has gone back into World War 2. There are the Yanks versus the Japs, the swarthy Ruskies vs the sinister Nazis, and now an even greater battle of me versus my top boss at work who plays it quite regularly. Although not regularly enough to stop me from shanking him in the guts and watching his weak oriental corpse bleed out all over my U.S. Army Issue boots. Next stop, Iwo Jima.

Vagina Dentata

As of last week I was happy to say that I had never seen a man get his 'Little General' bitten off my a toothed ladies' privates, but now I am even happier to say that I have seen that and more in the US film 'Teeth'.

After a brief but unsettling flashback to childhood fumblings, the film opens with awkward main character Dawn giving a talk to other high-school members of abstinance group The Promise, upstanding teenagers who wear ring as a symbol of their purity, and until said rings are replaced with wedding rings, no sex is to be had. But after meeting tasty nerd Tobey (also a Promise member) the whole abstinance thing seems less appealing, and a coming-of-age drama follows as Dawn battles with her building sexual appetite.

The film entertains in watching Dawn try and figure out exactly why she is in two minds about 'putting out', as the cool kids say, but she never quite puts her finger on it - which is a good thing as it would chew it right off. Before long however, the realisation is forced on her - she is cursed with the legendary vagina dentata, a toothy surprise that according to legend can only be conquered by a valiant hero. The origins of the secret gnashers aren't explained, but perhaps the two pollution-spewing power plant chimneys that keep cropping up in the background have something to do with it? It doesn't matter, as the film focuses on how to cope with casualty-causing coitus, with Dawn not the time to ponder the hows or whys.

As well as trying to reconcile her new-found issues with teenage life, family problems come into play, with Dawn's sick mother, caring step-father and aggressive step-brother Brad, who keeps a dog in a cage, has a mysterious circular 'bite' scar on his digit finger and an obsession with his girlfriend's anus. A sinister act within the family ushers in the final part of the film, and it ends in an unexpected but slightly toothless manner, pun intended. The different issues buffeting Dawn through the first half of the film are overcome by the ravenous beast within, and as a result some of emotional complexity is lost by the end, but this isn't enough of a criticism to put anyone off seeing it. The wincing and squirming of the viewer (a crab nibbling at a decomposing member, anyone?) is balanced out by the numerous laughs, and it feel a lot more like a teen drama that a horror film - 'Ten Things I Hate About You and Your Penis', or 'Carrie (your penis home in a bag)'. 'Teeth' is probably a bit catchier, but whatever the title, it is funny, uncomfortable and clever all at the same time.

Ban this filth

I realise that the colour scheme is a bit harsh what with all the red and black, and whilst I do like my horror I consider myself a well-rounded individual, however everything else is currently out of that window as I am fully submerged in the grim world of Dead Space on the XBox 360.

In ten words or less - alien virus infests ship, kills crew, uses corpses as putty. Obviously there is more plot than that (although nothing too revolutionary to be honest), but its the graphics, sound and setting that make the atmosphere so oppressive that everyone who has played it has reacted in some way. One 23-year-old IC4 male simultaneously screamed and recoiled from the screen exclaiming he didn't want to play any more whilst tucking himself into the gap between my neck and shoulder and handing me the controller - it is scary.


The main issue comes from the fact that the hellish "necromorphs" (necro for death, morph for transform or alternatively a bowling pin that is struck by a ball but moves without falling over, though the first definition is probably more apt) can only be killed by blowing off their limbs as they howl their terrible cries and sprint towards you. Think of listening to a lion roaring at a screaming cheerleader who is eating a hot potato in a nursery, all the while fighting a headless, legless, one-armed crab demon with body parts strewn everywhere that just keeps on coming until you sever that final hand with a remote-controlled buzz-saw, all in top-notch high-definition graphics. Even the infants onboard are turned into freakish four-legged nasties that can crawl along ceilings and literally eat your face clean off.

Add to that zero-gravity sections that allow you to traverse the exterior of the ship, crossing vacuums with a limited air supply (and the inability to hear anything that may be happening dangerously close behind you) and the ability to slow time and you have an idea why it is a lot of fun and 'enjoyable' to play.

Watch the trailer with the link on the left and also take this as my excuse for not writing something in a few days!

The Beginning

Welcome, all, to what will be a pretty much daily chronicle (don't hold me to that) of ramblings and general opinions on anything that takes my fancy which should both entertain and enlighten at the same time.

To usher in this new dawn behold -



He said he had come for a book signing, but we both knew why he had come.
I replaced the pair of sluts I came with with inquisitive Ewok faces to maximise the purity of the photo - also, notice his powerful left hand laid so reassuringly on my shoulder. It felt so familiar and natural.

His inscription - "Simon, you can be in my gang, Ross" (so what if I told him to write it)