Previously....

As a novel (read- quicker) form of update for FLAMEFACE I will post an email I sent to our very own Littlest Hobo Sam Bacon, a close and dear friend who has moved to the USA with his wife and who tells me regularly that he absolutely depends on my emails to keep himself abreast with the current goings on here and in the rest of the World, and in his own words, "to remind him of what it is like to hang around with the cream of the social crop, and a handsome crop at that". Although don't ask him about that, he doesn't like being put on the spot, just believe me - he'd want it that way. Also, seeing as I am reasonably lazy, the events since my last post tie-in nicely with the far-reaching topics covered in the email to dear Sam, so a crisp abridged version will suit my purpose nicely.

You may get more from the following post if you care to imagine it as a letter from a restrained-in-speech-but-not-soul, trench-inhabiting WWI soldier to his tender, young wife and never-before-seen baby son (neither Tom nor Daisy realised little Winny was conceived from the very last time they had made love, the very night Tom headed off for basic training) or maybe experience it in the musical Southern twang of a large, black Mammy reading to the sack-clothed, tousle-haired youngsters sat earnestly on the master's porch, hearing all about the grown-up boy who got away to the city and made something of himself. You can decide who fills what role.

"WORD UP!
Many thanks for the Birthday wishes, it has been a fun weekend, if you will allow me to break it down to you?

1) Derren Brown on Friday night. Adam and I, his housemate Jen, Ryan, Dave and the Standlee Parents all went to see the man-witch himself, and he was very entertaining and bizarre and unfathomable.

2) Relaxed all day, playing on the (your) X-Box and the like, then after Adam produced some massive cake of death, fifteen of us went to the Thai E Sarn Classic in Withington, which I think I told you about before, Crazy Wendy? The Thai lady who sings all the Elvis and Tom Jones etc. I did an excellent version of 'Kiss' by Sir Tom as Crazy Wendy stroked my head and told me she loved me. After the meal the 'lads' (i.e. not the cool gays and girls) all went back to mine for some Sky+ HD box office Hatton vs Pacman which was much fun, although after six hours of buildup a two round knockout wasn't what I wanted to see. However there were some big killer hits and good fights in the various matches before the headliner, so very enjoyable.

3) Sunday I staggered through the daytime until the evening when Adam and I met up with Ed in town for a birthday night out - because he is doing the Trans-Siberian Express he will be away during his birthday so he brought it forward. All the gang were out, and we were going to a devestating triple blow of gayness which you would salute. A foam party. At Legends (read- non-prissy gays, normally a lot of bears too, with some dark-room sex action too). DURING THE BIG BEAR BASH! Yes, unbeknownst to Ed when he picked the date, it was the big bear bash weekend, i think you know/remember it, thousands of juggernauts in leather stomping through Canal Street.

I can only state with the purity and truth reserved for a close brother like yourself that it was a fantastical night out with masses of hilarity and fun. Within 10 minutes Adam was down to his undies and boots and became the smallest person in the room by approximately 5 stones, minimum. I happily got my boobs out, literally no shame possible - imagine an 18 stone man with a wrestlers leotard on. Imagine a fur-covered human barrel being given oral sex by another man-mountain as a team of others worth on his upper body and shoulders with hands and mouths, all happening next to you at the bar as you queue for a can of Strongbow, foam glistening all over your body, loads of happy smiling men dance in shoulder high foam around you. At a guess I would say about 5% of the people in the foam area were up to erotic gay activity, which isn't that bad really given my nightmarish expectations, however if you were so inclined you could have a romp the likes of which could never be topped (or bottomed)! All my fears were proven wrong, it was just a seriously good laugh, no possiblility of getting into any trouble even though anyone around you could keep you in their pocket like Mr. Jingles from The Green Mile, so i should really start dedicating myself to embracing bear-dom. I know Adam would be game.

4) Monday I awoke feeling the burn but nothing too bad, just chilled out all day and then went home Tuesday day-time after completing Resident Evil 5 with Adam, went for a Ghurka Grill all-you-can-eat buffet with the rents, watched the second half of Arsenal-Manchester, spent Wednesday playing on the PC/Xbox and then came back.

A great birthday break and it means this is day 2 of my working week and it is a Friday, BOOYAH. <Ed. note this is dated 8th May>

Now, a full present rundown -

Absolute Batman The Long Halloween (book)
This is the graphic novel The Long Halloween (inspiration for The Dark Knight) pimped out into a hardback extended double size version

Conan Volume 4 (book)
The latest Conan graphic novel, a winner

Tshirt of stained-glass religious imagery but with people doing breakdancing and rock fingers etc
Basically what it says above, but more amazing than you can imaging

Mum and Dad (film)
Polish worker's car breaks down, gets a lift from a workmate who takes her back to his family home, where her Fred and Rosemary West-style family "adopt" her as their special girl. Not watched this yet but supposed to be hellish.

£15 Blockbuster Rental card
Highly pleasing, but does one get a new game (more later!) or just some rentals when times are financially tricky? Either way a cool gift from work.

Assorted old sweets such as Refreshers, Love Hearts and a Candy Necklace
As it says on the tin really...

Tshirt and two pairs of knickers
From Luke, they are pleasing to the balls (of the eye variety and otherwise)

Set of Remington head clippers

From Jonathan, I have been skanking his for ages so a valuable gift!

The World at War TV Series
From young David, the ultimate in WW2 documentary. First shown in 1973, only 28 years after the end of the war, the fact that the majority of those who fought/survived would still be alive to watch this amazes me, and means that they interview a lot of Nazis and Allies, so bound to be fascinating. Only watched the Stalingrad episode so far (Dave demanded it) but it was v.good.

The Hobbit framed jigsaw
Sounds bizarre, but Adam's housemate Jen had a hanging framed 1000 piece old-school hobbit jigsaw, really old and really cool, and she only went and gave it to my for my birthday! Immense gift I will send thee a photo when I take one.

£250 from the parents
Simple, crucial and highly well-recieved, the gift that keeps on giving.

All in all a very nice bundle and a very nice weekend, Matt bought me a KFC just to round the whole thing off, little Robbie Lyon gave me a DVD with High School Musical 3 on it (Rob is as physically and mentally in love with Zac Efron as a 'straight' man can be, it is quite strange but understandable), all the new Family Guy and all the new South Park, a gift of immense value and free (even if it is against the law, at least they are currently on TV...)

A retro RTS gaming craze is sweeping the nation, with Ryan and Nath Standlee and Dave fighting on Star Wars-Galactic Battlefield (Dave's wookies got pounded by Ryan's stormtrooper bastards, i need to see if you can play as Jar Jar, and if so take terrible payback), and I think i will be up to my neck in it before too long!

Books
Just read The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, which was an excellent and sad book as you would expect. Worth a read for shizzle, the child's language comes across very well. Even better was The Kite Runner, which I highly reccommend - shitty childhoods in war-torn places seems to be a theme for me at the moment.

Keep me fully updated with any plans to return, if so when why how and we can maximise physical contact for that period, for shizzle. Big love to the wife.

Finally big news my sweet friend, Adam and I shall be moving in together on the 28th June. No digs planned yet but it is a 100% go for us both - allow me to inform you. I spoke to Ed about his accomodation a while ago in a vague way, anyway he got in touch probably a month ago now and told me that his friend owns a penthouse duplex apartment in Ancoats and was willing to rent it to Ed for £700 a month, I explained that Adam would be ending his contract in July and we had agreed to move in together, he was cool, so Operation 'Adam, Ed and Simon in a Mega Flat for £2.33.33 a month each' was put in place.

A few weeks of excitement later, Ed found out this was the un-furnished price, but managed to make it £750 for a furnished one. However this soon all went tits up because the owners couldn't afford to buy brand new everything for this flat so we had to turn it down. Crippling, but all the talk of living together and emotional gearing up and preparations means I am onboard with the program, it is too late to turn around and carry on living (very happily I must say) with Jonathan and co., so we are still going to move in together, but just a new flat. We are going to third the rent (but me and Adam share a room) which will enable us to get a ridiculous flat in town for a reasonable amount each month each.

If you do return home some time in July you will be able to see the flat! Moving in with someone, a big step I know, but Adam and I are actually properly in love with each other - disturbing and unnatural, but something I can hardly be expected to fight. This could all have been covered in a ten minute phone conversation, instead of this two-hour in-work email but hey ho I enjoy this shit! Dare you imagine living with Ed Trickett and Adam Dance?! My God.

Anyway man I will be getting fired if this goes on for much longer so I will wrap it up here, look forward to receiving my pressies, I am used to getting things I already have after the Christmas present you sent, but seeing as I am enough of a tool not to send you anything you are already one step higher on the good friend ladder then me so I can't really say much :) DON'T BE A STRANGER NOW, Y'HEAR?

Love you dude,
Simon"