Lovefilm

As part of my effort not to blow all my hard-earned dollar of DVDs each month - exceptions such as Quantum of Solace not withstanding - I made a vow in a previous post to take advantage of Lovefilm more, seeing as I am handing money over ever month for the service.


And by jove I have succeded in this mission, having rented and watched eight films between January and December 2008 but ten so far this year. I must admit that two films I sent back last year - Shooting Dogs and Once Upon a Time in America - I didn't even watch, and now they must be labeled as 'ones that got away' as they are both supposed to be immense.




However, the main downfall of Lovefilm for those who haven't used it is the random selection of films that are sent out. Obviously, random suggests you are sent films without any say in the matter, when actually you pick any title you want to go onto your Rental List, giving each film a high, medium or low-priority and awaiting the results. This is absolutely fine and the variety of films you get sent has no pattern and makes it quite exciting, wondering about what you are going to get next. However, if I have friends round and we want to watch something specific, it falls down as you are still going to go to Blockbuster and rent that new/specific film because that is what you want to watch, so to some extent I think this has become an additional form of film rental as opposed to replacing your real-world video shop. Not a bad thing, just a point to take into account.


Also - and I must take the full blame again - by Crom, the last two films I have been sent have been crap.

Simon says avoid unless drunk/at a party

Simon Says, starring Crispin Glover (young McFly father in Back to the Future, hair-sniffing Thin Man from Charlies Angels), was a waste of my precious time, and seeing as I spend a lot of time doing sod-all that is saying something. Five alleged teenagers, sporty Oriental, Brunetta, Blonde go-er, Jock and Stoner, go camping only to cross paths with differently-abled Simon and his twin Stanley. Between you and me, they are the same person, with Stanley having killed his brother and family when they were little, but keep that under your hat, and don't let Crispin Glover find out that you know. Number one point of the film is when Stoner, driving his Mystery Machine vehicle back to the campsite after finding a load of human corpses dangling by hooks at the Simon/Stanley house, drives into the hanging body of Oriental that Simon has swung out into the road whilst saying "Simon says your ride is here". But as Stoner was scrabbling in the passenger foot well for the doob that had slipped out of his stoned fingers, he misses the whole event, so when he gets back to the campsite he blames the heavy vehicle damage on hitting a dog, one that somehow shattered the glass in his windscreen a good five feet off the ground. Scooby Doo wanting his van back? Also, and without wanting to reveal too much and ruin the film, whilst Stoner is rolling head over heel down a wooded hill in the dark, avoiding the dozens of blades being flung out by a bizarre weaponised combine harvester operated by a psychopath behind him, he has a casual toot on a joint. Literally mid-roll. I do enjoy a crazy horror romp, it was directed by the same person who directed Harry and the Hendersons, and Crispy G is totally bonkers in it, but it was just too trashy for me. Another point with Lovefilm, I probably wasn't in the mood for this, but unless you want to hang onto something incase you fancy watching it at a later date, you have no option but to immediately send it back or at least give it a go. After keeping a couple of films last year for over three months I am now sending things back after two weeks no matter what.

Yes, that is a soldier removing a foetus with a bayonet

Before that I was treated to Black Sun - the Nanking Massacre, a strange horror - shockumentary looking at the Japanese occupation of Nanking during WW2 and the 200,000 people murdered, tens of thousands raped and generally savaged over the first couple of weeks (the massacre of the title). Dark and terrible deeds, including a 'First Person to Kill One Hundred People with their Sword' competiton (the Egg and Spoon wasn't invented until 1952), yet due to the acting quality, lack of storyline and perpetual violence the horror is lost amongst the fake blood and grenades and it all comes across as cheap which is not what you want when tackling such a nightmarish section of history. It has been accused of explotation, although I think it is more bad film-making then someone looking to profit from tragic real-world events.

So a couple of doozies there, but films I have added to the rental list myself, thereby invalidating the entire point of this post. Also, in both cases I stopped the film before the end, something that I always criticise when people slag off films they didn't finish. But I can tell you with maximum certainty that Simon Says won't have pulled off a miracle rise from the ashes to cinematic gold. But I can't say that for definate, so more fool me.

Forgive me, Crispin.